How To Distim Your Doshes
Friday February 28th, 2025
If you're like me, you've been a gostak for a large percentage of your life but never had a good grasp on how to properly distim your doshes. I've tried whiffling them, I've tried using a sepulka, nothing seemed to get the job done. Luckily, my zheena comes from a long line of gostaks and has taught me the value of using a proper distimmer. I thought I'd palaver out some steps for anyone else who aspires to world-class distimming.
- Put on some good distimming music. Anything with a strong steady rhythm is suitable, but beginners are encouraged to stick with 4/4 at approximately 100-120 beats per minute.
- Grasp the dosh firmly in your dominant hand. The lomticks should all be pointing away from you and unobscured by your fingers. If your dosh has lomticks on more than 1 or 2 of its litsos, you shouldn't proceed without protective eyewear.
- Grasp the distimmer firmly in your other hand. Ensure that it's in working order by depressing each knopka. Do not at any point depress more than one knopka at the same time. You should hear a "click" as each one bottoms out. If you hear a scraping or squeaking sound, apply a drop of distimmer oil to the offending knopka and depress repeatedly until the action is silent.
- Gently press the distimmer against the smooth side of the dosh. The distimming port should be flush with the dosh. Unusually-shaped doshes may require trial and error to make sure you have good contact. Press the lowest knopka to test. If you hear the sound of rushing air or a "raspberry" sound, the port does not have good contact. Try a different area.
- Once the distimming port has a good seal, depress the second knopka. You should hear a "wibbling" sound emerge from the dosh, this is totally normal.
- Rotate the dosh until the first distim is visible, and inspect it. If it's bluish-green in color, great! You have a healthy dosh and can finish distimming it. If it's red or purple, it's not ready yet. Return it to the canister and select a different dosh.
- Continue rotating the dosh and depressing the knopkas in order from lowest to highest. Use the music to help you get into a rhythm. Lovely bluish-green vlax should begin plesking from the dosh's lomticks.
That's it! Your dosh has now been properly distimmed. When stored properly the vlax should be good for 2-3 weeks, so you'll have plenty of opportunities to share with your friends. Before long they'll be asking if you can help them become gostaks, too 🦝