A Lovely Harmless Monster

Editing: archive/how-to-distim-your-doshes

((header))
title:How To Distim Your Doshes
author:matt
tags:archive, fiction, garblet
date:2025-02-28
((content))
<h1 id="pagetitle">$$title$$</h1>

>$$date$$
>
>Tags: $$tags$$

If you're like me, you've been a gostak for a large percentage of your life but never had a good grasp on how to properly distim your doshes. I've tried whiffling them, I've  tried using a sepulka, nothing seemed to get the job done. Luckily, my zheena comes from a long line of gostaks and has taught me the value of using a *proper* distimmer. I thought I'd palaver out some steps for anyone else who aspires to world-class distimming.

1. **Put on some good distimming music.** Anything with a strong steady rhythm is suitable, but beginners are encouraged to stick with 4/4 at approximately 100-120 beats per minute.
2. **Grasp the dosh firmly in your dominant hand.** The lomticks should all be pointing away from you and unobscured by your fingers. If your dosh has lomticks on more than 1 or 2 of its litsos, you shouldn't proceed without protective eyewear.
3. **Grasp the distimmer firmly in your other hand.** Ensure that it's in working order by depressing each knopka. *__Do not__* at any point depress more than one knopka at the same time. You should hear a "click" as each one bottoms out. If you hear a scraping or squeaking sound, apply a drop of distimmer oil to the offending knopka and depress repeatedly until the action is silent.
4. **Gently press the distimmer against the smooth side of the dosh.** The distimming port should be flush with the dosh. Unusually-shaped doshes may require trial and error to make sure you have good contact. Press the *lowest* knopka to test. If you hear the sound of rushing air or a "raspberry" sound, the port does not have good contact. Try a different area.
5. Once the distimming port has a good seal, **depress the second knopka.** You should hear a "wibbling" sound emerge from the dosh, this is totally normal.
6. **Rotate the dosh until the first distim is visible, and inspect it.** If it's bluish-green in color, great! You have a healthy dosh and can finish distimming it. If it's red or purple, it's not ready yet. Return it to the canister and select a different dosh.
7. **Continue rotating the dosh and depressing the knopkas in order from lowest to highest.** Use the music to help you get into a rhythm. Lovely bluish-green vlax should begin plesking from the dosh's lomticks.

That's it! Your dosh has now been properly distimmed. When stored properly the vlax should be good for 2-3 weeks, so you'll have plenty of opportunities to share with your friends. Before long they'll be asking if you can help them become gostaks, too 🦝

$$pagebuttons$$

Publish Password:

Upload attachment:

Cancel Changes